He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
