hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
