I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Randomize
