I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
