how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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