I met the friendliest cop last night
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
