I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
