you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
