At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
