I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
