We won't sleep together?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
