I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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