weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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