i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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