As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
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Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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