he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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