I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
don't judge my taste in strippers
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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