my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
