there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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