I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
