where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I will pee on everything he values.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
