Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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