Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
