i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
