there's paper in my vomit.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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