eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
