Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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