whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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