Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
