I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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