my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
