So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
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I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
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I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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