She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I wish you could order shots online.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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