my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
