He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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