Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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