I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
