the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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