I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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