So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
