So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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