I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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