I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
