apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Please don't give away my fajitas
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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