I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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