I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
