Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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