I just saw a hot homeless man
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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