she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
