I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
