Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
