HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
