Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
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About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
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i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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