I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
