lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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