Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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