Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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